Unedited chapter for my book(that wasn't published)

Chapter twenty one:

My Ultimate Antidote

In order to balance 'all of my bad' into 'all of my good', I needed to find an antidote. It was never enough for me to 'just survive'.

I wanted to be a voice for, and ease the afflictions of other survivors.

I wanted to expose the perpetrators of abuse crimes, and I wanted to secure a justice for the horrendous repercussions that plague survivors.

I am on a mission and have become intransigent in my quest to help others...for that IS my ultimate antidote.

The reasons that I create my images are; that although painting them had been extremely cathartic for me personally, I then began to see them as a final act of my recovery, and the start of advocacy.

I wanted acknowledgement of what had been done to me. These atrocities are not just private 'domestic' happenings, these are crimes against children and should be recognised as such.

I also hoped to change the minds of the judgemental and those that impose secondary victimisation. To show the impact and the consequences of abuse, and shout to the world, that we are not all defects.

It's just that we merely suffer from post traumatic shock syndrome, which causes us to temporarily lose ourselves within our suppressed pain and distress, whilst trying to continue our lives.

And knowing that many people don't want to listen, empathise, acknowledge, or indeed condemn and isolate us; for sexual crimes are still taboo, unpalatable and antipathetic, and is as painful as the abuse itself.

So, I had to not only jolt the apathy of society, but try to enlighten them in an artistic, intelligent and sophisticated manner, as oppose to an angry, hostile or hysterical way, so that they may begin to listen and hopefully understand this universal atrocity.

Another reason, was of course; other victims and survivors.

No one had ever helped me, I didn't even know that I had been abused until the age of twenty four, I couldn't even recognise that fact.

Maybe if I had seen images like mine or had watched film or read stories of abuse, I would of recognised, acknowledged and accepted my own abuse.

So, hopefully when other people, who have been through such experiences, see my work, It will trigger their memories or jolt their own apathy and indifference; which is a manifestation of a survival mechanism, as in dehumanisation.

My other hope was that they would find the inspiration to succeed in their own recovery.

That it is possible to climb the mountain of agony, condemnation, rejection and humiliation and reach the summit of purity, freedom and self worth .

And to face and embrace that beautiful part of them, that they hide from themselves and the world.

My third reason was to empower the victims and survivors; for 'silence impairs the victims and empowers the perpetrators'.

I also have to be realistic in all of this, abuse will NEVER stop.

Yes we can report paedophiles and any other sexual or physical abuse that we may witness, but we have to face facts, these are just minimal occurrences, so we have to concentrate on the victims!

For instance I know that child sexual abuse will never stop. It will only ever increase and multiply by way of opportunity, accessibility and acceptability. For since the inventions of the camera, video, and especially the internet, child sex abuse has increased dramatically, as indeed, has child pornography and exploitation.

So, inevitably there are millions more children being abused in the world than ever before, since these innocuous inventions.

Unfortunately there are not enough funds, resources and man power to intercept and bring down these horrendous criminals who both know; and thrive on this tragic reality.

I also wanted to advocate a different, plausible approach; to prevent abuse, rather than deal with it's devastating after affects.

The primary empowerment of a child sex predator is 'secrecy'.

This ensures their safety against both personal and criminal repercussions, and allows them the continuation of the abuse of many victims.

Paedophiles are the most manipulative of people and will often swear the child to secrecy, usually by threatening facts or by imposing guilt and shame,and taking advantage of the child's susceptibility and vulnerability.

The only way to break this secrecy, is to disable the perpetrators power and hold over children, by advising parents and carers to educate themselves and their children about paedophiles.

Sexual abuse, like any other danger is very real, maybe more so.

And if parents think that teaching children about sex predators will mar their innocence, then think about this...what if a paedophile took their innocence?! What if a sex trafficker abducted your child?!; and you, as a parent had never warned them of the dangers?

I taught my children about sexual predators; I did it purely to protect them.

It was not a pleasant thing to do, but knowing that they were knowledgeable and aware made me feel that I did not fail them.

Paedophiles tend not to target confident, savvy and wary children. They generally pursue quiet, naïve and innocent children. And if you think that paedophiles are a rarity, then please do some research,. Find out how many 'registered' (not forgetting the unregistered,who in my opinion account for much more) paedophiles there are in your area alone; I know that the statistics will shock you.

It is not always just paedophiles that target children for sexual abuse. There are many other sex offenders (including parents) who abuse children mainly for profit. Those that are involved in making and distributing pornographic images, videos and web cam requests, prostitution and selling children into the sex slave industry.

There are two types of paedophiles. There is the 'exclusive' paedophile, who's only sexual preference is that of children. Then there is the non-exclusive paedophile who enjoys sex with both adults and children, often targeting single mothers; purely to access their children.

Let us not forget that many toddlers and babies (even newborns) become victims of these despicable people.

Paedophiles believe that children enjoy sex with them. They convince themselves that it is an act of 'love' (as in 'Boy lovers') and most of them will state 'that they would never hurt a child'! They also believe that they are persecuted for something that is perfectly normal. And that society is wrong to impose the age of consent, because children love and want sex with adults. This is all to justify their sexual lust and gratification, and an attempt to minimise the severity and damage that they impose on innocent children.

What also vexes me is societies part in the sexualisation of children. From the selling of sexual underwear and provocative clothing to girls as young as eight years old, to the obscenity of the 'pageant princesses', multi billion dollar industry.

I cannot comprehend as to why people would sexualise 'even toddlers' in order to win less money than they paid for the clothes, and cheap, tacky trophies in beauty pageants. And I can imagine just how many paedophiles are judges, or are sat in the audiences taking photos and recording videos of these sexual 'baby doll's' to masturbate to, when they get home.

The sexual predator targets specific characteristics and vulnerabilities such as children who are already abused, that are neglected, in dire poverty, or are runaways.

They also prey on shy, introverted, naïve children who lack confidence, for these children are more easily manipulated than children who are confident and aware.

There are web pages on the internet that appeal and cater for paedophiles, including 'jobs with access to children' which include ice-cream sales men, children's shoes salesmen, scout masters, swimming instructors, youth leaders, Christmas store Santa-clauses...the list goes on.

Paedophiles do not look like weirdo's, who stand out in a crowd. They are found in every walk of life, they are Doctors, Policemen, Judges,Teachers, Psychologists, Soldiers, Postmen, Bus drivers and builders.

Some of them are known as 'Career Paedophiles' who pursue and prey on children- 24/7.

it is their life's mission to have sexual relations with as many children as possible. Many of these men victimise hundreds of children each year, often travelling abroad to poverty stricken countries like the Eastern block, where obtaining a child for sex is as easy as buying a hamburger.

Paedophiles fantasises also tend to escalate over time. They may of started by just looking at a few pornographic images, but the fantasy dwindles, so they have to find more 'fresh meat', often downloading thousands of images that they also share amongst other paedophiles on the internet.

What I am about to say next may shock and upset you as it does me, but the reason that I write this is to relay just how evil many of these men are, and if you find it too hard to read, then think about how the children felt, and if they are still alive, how they deal with the after effects.

There are endless images and videos of children on the internet of being sexually and physically abused, many of which are what the police term (level 5-7) which include babies being vaginally and anally penetrated. Children being sexually mutilated and tortured.

Children being penetrated by animals, gang and throat raped. Children being horrifically murdered. And these images are being masturbated over by paedophiles, and if caught in possession of such images, are maybe just sentenced to a few years in prison. Downloading these images is the same as abusing the children within them. For if there were no consumers of child pornography, there would be no child pornography!

I know of women in this country who are serving two year sentences, and have their children put into care for not paying their T.V licence, yet many paedophiles are not incarcerated for downloading child pornography.

I ask myself everyday; why do we allow this? Why does the judicial system still put property before people? Why are people not campaigning and lobbying?
Maybe its just because...they don't want to have to deal with such horror, and its easier to turn a blind eye. They know that its happening, they would rather not deal with it. Maybe saving trees and dolphins is much more palatable, much more acceptable,and which aptly suits their lifestyle.

It is not long before they want to turn their fantasies into reality. They want to have real sex with children. Today, that is as easy as ordering your shopping online. They are able to order a child online, and within hours, they are able to rape children as young as they desire.

Many of them photograph or video their conquests in order to relive the fantasy and share their prize with other paedophiles in order to gain respect and kudos.

They also prowl the internet for trusting teens with low self esteem, who crave attention; often fabricating false profiles by pretending to be teenage boys.

They also research into what 'kids are into' and develop and adopt the traits of teenage lives by keeping up with what's happening in the world of music, games,t.v programmes, fashion etc...

In police experiments where officers have pretended to be young girls, they have been contacted by paedophiles within just ten minutes of being live.

In many cases, the paedophile had contacted, shown a photo of his genitalia and arranged to meet the 'child' within just 20 minutes.

In one incident where a teenage girl was lured and murdered by a paedophile, he had not only fabricated his own profile by pretending to be a boy; but had faked several others, including girl friends. So when the victim emailed the 'girls', they wrote back to her, saying that he was great to know and a fun boy to be with, and that she should definitely meet him.

I never allowed my children to have a computer in their bedrooms, they had use of only the family computer which was located in the dining room. I also discussed 'internet paedophiles' to ensure that they knew all about grooming and luring children to procure sex with them.

Paedophiles, as many professionals assume do not have a 'mental disorder'. It is merely a sexual orientation. It is an innate sexual preference. Just as there is heterosexuality and homosexuality; There is paedosexuality.

So these people can never be cured or rehabilitated, It would be the same as asking anyone to change their sexual preference. The other reason that they cannot be rehabilitated is because they simply 'don't want to be', they believe that society is wrong and they are right. They prefer children and they will never give them up.

And although their sexual preference is most unfortunate, it causes long lasting trauma, distress and untold damage to children. So it can never be tolerated in any society, justified or practised in any form.

And no matter how convincing a 'reformed' paedophile may appear to clinicians or the judicial system, let them not be fooled, for they are just using their incredibly cunning and artful manipulative skills to get back into society; in order to seek and claim their next victim.

Only recently, and yet again I heard of a judge's leniency of a convicted paedophile who had, in the judge's opinion 'suffered enough' because of the impact on his business. Or that he was an upstanding member of the community.

I cannot relay to you how angry that makes me!

In my opinion, sexual assault and rape are secondary to murder. The long term psychological suffering and trauma of the victim is immeasurable. My feelings are, that the judicial system needs educating, not only in the understanding of sex predators, but of the impact on the victims.

There needs to be a universally revised legislation regarding sentencing of sex predators.

The leniency and lack of consequences is both a mockery and a diabolical injustice to the victims, whom society fails on many levels; thus further empowering the perpetrators.

I also wanted to expose the horrific crimes of sex trafficking, and the related factors such as pornography and prostitution. I am so extremely vexed at the acceptability and ignorant attitudes relating to this subject matter.

For those who judge, Instead of condemning these people, take a second look; and ask yourself 'WHY are they doing this?' for so many of these people (like myself) were, or are abducted into this industry. Some were horrifically abused, and some of them have been exploited since they were infants. Many of them using drugs to suppress their pain of the abuse, but need the money to fund their habits. It is a vicious, perpetuating cycle that they cannot break.

I also wanted to be a voice on behalf of the victims of rape and enlighten people who do not understand this highly taboo crime, Rape is not as many people assume, a sexual act brought about by the carnal and primeval needs of a desperate male, to gain sexual gratification, enticed by a scantily clad female.

Rape is a weapon of power, control, debasement and humiliation, it is the ultimate offence, only secondary to murder. There can never be total closure because the victims psychological pain and trauma remains, exacerbated by secondary victimisation. Primarily stigmatisation, isolation, abandonment and condemnation, imposed upon by people who believe that the world is intrinsically fair and find it difficult to accept that a person can just be hurt for 'no reason' .

This leads to 'victim blaming'; that the victim must of deserved it by provocative clothing, excessive drinking or flirting. Leading him on, or young girls assuming the lolita persona, by mimicking a grown woman's sensuality and sexuality, and pursuing the male for a sexual experience.

Rape victims are often referred to as ' damaged goods' or 'soiled' which is as abhorrent as the rape itself.

There are many reasons as to why men rape. One being 'Anger rape' when the male possesses an extreme hatred towards women and the aim is purely to humiliate, debase and hurt the victim.

Another, is 'power rape' where the male compensates feelings of inadequacy. Raping victims feeds their issues of mastery, control, strength, authority and capability; to assert their competency and validate their masculinity.

The power rapist fantasises about sexual conquests and believes that the victim initially resists them , and once they overpower their victim 'she will eventually enjoy it'. Or as in the case of pimps and traffickers, using rape to gain power and control over their commodity.

Lastly there is 'sadistic rape' in which there is such a sexual transformation of anger and power that the aggression itself is eroticised. The excitement is achieved by inflicting pain and maltreatment upon his victim, he finds immense gratification in the victims torment, anguish, distress, helplessness and suffering, exacerbated by pornographic rape; in where the female secretly desires to be raped.

This leads me to the relationship between the sex industry and rape. The acceptance of the sex industry reinforces the fantasy which increases sexual violence against women, who are perceived as mere sexual objects who can be used and abused by males.

Pornography is so dangerous because it eroticises the domination, humiliation and coercion of females.

Studies have shown the link between sexual offenders and pornography that positively correlates to sexual assault by endorsing such fantasises. Some offenders believed and insisted that their victims not only enjoyed being raped but also enjoyed the violence.

Therefore pornography leads to a higher acceptance of rape, violence and other myths against women and general sexual callousness; this also applies to child molesters and child pornography.

So, in conclusion ; yes I paint paedophiles, rapists, perpetrators of abuse and pornographers, and I write about 'the things that people don't want to talk about' because they should be talked about!

They should not be swept under the rug. These atrocities against human beings should be faced, dealt with, understood and addressed.

Child abuse is a root cause of many of life's sufferings and problems, ranging from depression, suicide, anger, alcoholism, drug dependency, prostitution, promiscuity, self harm..the list goes on...

We are failing our children by not talking about these taboo issues; by not protecting them; by not educating them; by not listening to them and by not facing the harmful realities that are present in every city, every town, every village and even in their own homes.

Ignorance is not bliss, ignorance is incompetence, inexcusable and highly dangerous.

So I ask all of you... no I plead with you, as parents and carers..please..please educate and protect your children.

Keep them from harm, keep them safe so that they never have to go through anything that I did...that they may never have to face the real monsters in this world.